LOVE & MOURNING: A REAL EMOTIONAL TIDAL WAVE

Whether or not you are the decision-maker about the separation, going through a romantic breakup is a bit like going through a big storm. You don't go from the roaring storm to the shining sun with a simple snap of your fingers. Although the change can take place in more or less time depending on atmospheric conditions, several stages occur before the storm is completely resolved. In the same way, romantic mourning is a phenomenon of greater or lesser magnitude equivalent to a healing process.

To find the calm of a new life without your loved one, you will face different emotional disturbances: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance, reconstruction and integration .

Like a climate change, you will navigate back and forth, and back and forth between these stages. From where you are, if the gusts are too strong, you may not yet see the lighthouse that will take you back to shore. Trust yourself and move forward at your own pace.

From lightning to anger, emotional shock

The shock of lightning
That's it, the fateful sentence has been spoken. Whether you were the one who said, "It's over" or you heard it, you can no longer pretend that nothing is happening. The earthquake occurred. It's a real shock. Your survival mode has been activated. You must face this violent gust which hits you head on. You are aware that your balance will be upset , but for the moment you may be paralyzed. You don't yet have the ability to think about what happens next .

Respite from denial
The tremors have stopped, a semblance of calm is looming on the horizon. No more flashes of lightning, you are aware of the rupture , but at present, no concrete change has taken place . Your reality is still that before the storm and you are not yet aware of the extent of the damage. Very few, if any, people other than the two of you know about this decision and you may be hoping for a reversal. You then take your telescope to scan your entire relationship . From its beginnings until today. Know that when you are in denial, it is as if you have a pink filter in front of your eyes. A love potion. Through the bezel, you only see the good times . You look at the "Best-of" of your relationship and you don't understand what could have led you to such a catastrophe .

The frenzy of anger
This incomprehension gives way to angry growls . How could he or she let your relationship slide? Why didn't you try to save her when the clouds started to appear? Depending on your temperament, you may get carried away and your words towards your ex partner may overwhelm your thoughts. You are in the middle of an emotional whirlwind and you are beginning to see when the tide has turned. You want it as much for yourself as for your partner. You are probably saying to yourself that you should not have done this and that on the contrary you should have done that... In the same way that it takes two to make a couple, it takes two to break it and that's now that you realize it.

The time for negotiation and the path to acceptance

The tides of negotiation
This stage of the negotiation is punctuated by great oscillations between hope and despair . Not wanting to accept the breakup and being aware of your responsibility in the wreck, you try to find solutions hoping to save what remains to be saved. To do this, some are ready to make enormous sacrifices, while others make promises of change, or seek reassurance by telling themselves that they can build a new relationship. Either way, it's fear that's leading you at this point. Each solution is a way of making yourself more secure in the face of this imposing change that is coming.

The crashes of sadness
All rescue attempts failed, your relationship sank and maybe you did too. You realize that you are losing your loved one , but also all the projects and habits that go with it. It's time to put on your lifeline and find the strength and resources necessary to not sink despite the weight of the pain you feel. Surround yourself, be accompanied, take time for yourself. The gusts of wind are over at this point, you will be able to move at your own pace and resurface .

The waves of acceptance
You are aware of the damage and losses caused by the hurricane and you no longer seek to fight against it . You accept that a new page is opening up for you and that you have to rebuild everything. Perhaps at this moment you are not inspired because you have not completely recovered from the previous earthquake, but be aware that anything is possible. There is space in your life today and you will be able to choose how to fill it .

Reconstruction and integration, the end of the tunnel

The bright spots of reconstruction
That's it, you are close to the lighthouse, whose light beam will guide you to the shore . This lighthouse is you! Light is your desires. A romantic breakup allows you to rediscover yourself and do things that you wouldn't necessarily have done as a couple. Some people become distant from themselves when they are in a relationship. The separation then allows them to reconnect with them . Take the time to have new experiences , meet new people, experiment and keep what you like. You will also get through all the first times without each other. Some will be exceptional, others less so. One thing is certain, they will all be different.

The sweet warmth of integration
The tide has turned, the planets have realigned, just like you and your new life. You have gone through the storm and you come out transformed . You are aware of what your old relationship gave you, what worked and what didn't, and today you are better able to know what you want and what you no longer want . Your new life suits you and you wish the same for your former partner. Whether real or fictitious, you have given him/her a new place in your life and your feelings towards him/her are today emotionally neutral.

Make rain or shine
At 5 years old as at 92 years old, you can recover from a romantic breakup . It's painful, it's uncomfortable, but know that the sun will always shine again eventually. Don't try to turn it back on too quickly by skipping boxes, time is your ally , it will help you move forward or backward depending on what you need. So, listen to yourself and surround yourself .

“I wish lots of good things to everyone who is currently going through a breakup and to others.”

Article written by Sophie Koubbi, coach and author for YESforLOV